Gavel to Gavel: In other words
By Tom Wolfe | December 22, 2011
In consideration of the unilateral wishes conveyed herein, without warranty either expressed or implied, the receipt and sufficiency of which is hereby acknowledged, party of the first part (hereinafter referred to as “writer”) does hereby convey his salutations and best wishes for a subjectively (but at a minimum objectively) enjoyable (or at least tolerable), environmentally safe, socially and politically acceptable gender-, creed- and race-neutral holiday season, without regard to individually-held secular or nonsecular systems of beliefs, if any, and is intended to include all traditional or nontraditional family members and/or significant others, if any.
Such glad tidings shall include, at the sole discretion of recipient, participation in all celebratory customs or practices, no matter their origin in time or space and without regard to whether such are generally perceived as valid and without preference to any one over another, irrespective of the societal acceptance or rejection of same.
Similarly, sentiments are hereby further conveyed, again without warranty, express or implied and, again, irrespective of race, creed, religiosity, physical condition, sexual preference or identity, family upbringing or lack thereof, with respect to the upcoming adjustment to generally accepted calendar systems – typically known as “the new year” – as utilized by various peoples throughout the globe, with no intention of denigrating those who choose to follow other means of keeping track of the passage of what is commonly known as time (including days, weeks, months and years). Such shall include the Julian calendar and also various other recognized systems including, but not limited to, the lunar, solar, lunisolar, Tzolk’in, Long Count and Mayan calendars.
Acceptance of the terms shall be subject to the common laws of the various states of these United States, with preference to none, as well as, specifically, the Uniform Commercial Code provisions allowing invocation of the right to a three-day “cooling off” period and a corresponding right of rescission and/or partial acceptance of some of the wishes conveyed herein. Such partial acceptance may, however, result in a total withdrawal of this offer at the sole discretion of the writer, without notice or further obligation to make the same or similar offers at any time, or for that matter, ever again.
In lieu thereof, the writer simply wishes everyone a merry Christmas and happy new year.
Tom Wolfe is a civil litigator who serves as president and managing partner of Phillips Murrah P.C. in Oklahoma City.